The Running Blues

I haven't gone for a run in about a month. I haven't done much of anything this past month. It's discouraging to be doing so well only to hit the fatigue road block again and again and again. There are moments when I'm pretty down on myself, but thankfully I'm having more and more days when I can think positively about my situation, which is a big deal! This is a process and, as with most things, there will be successes and failures along the way. There are things I long for, like having a body that can physically handle the plans of my heart, or a mind that can rest without worry and fear, for the cloud of depression that threatens to take over to be gone forever, to be able to drive again. I long for these things, and will continue working and praying for a positive outcome, but I realize that we don't always get what we want in this life. I'm having to undo old thinking patterns, and deal with the frustration that comes along with the realization that being a follower of Christ is not a guarantee for my life running smoothly all the time. I'm really starting to take hold of the promise that one day God will set all things right, and that I can have peace even if those things are not set right during my time on this earth. So, today I couldn't go for a run, or get the house cleaned, or drive my car, but I managed to have moments of thankfulness and peace and for that I rejoice!

Funny Stuff

You know what I find amusing? Calling a 10:30 pace "easy"!

Today's Run

Today, Mike and I ran seven miles. It was slightly less painful than running the 10k, which is a good feeling. Around mile three, Mike asked me why I like running all of a sudden (we've gone 12 years together without any of this running business). I thought about it for a moment, and came to the realization that I have spent the better part of the past five years being frustrated with my body for what I saw as failures after giving birth to my children. Running gives me an opportunity to celebrate what my body CAN do. There are things I still get frustrated by (like wanting to be able to drive again!), but there are so many things to be thankful for. Running gives me an opportunity to rejoice and be thankful for what I do have.

A 10K Under My Belt

Yesterday, Mike and I ran the Kenwood 10k. While we were waiting for the race to begin, I overheard someone exclaim, "this is a pretty intense 10k". Then when the gun sounded, Mike said, "I have something to tell you". That something he had to tell me was that the course was going to be a lot harder than he let on. We're talking hills! Not leisurely climbs here and there, but steep, relentless hills! It was difficult, but I did it, and it was a great feeling when I finished. I even crossed the finish line ten minutes faster than I had anticipated (I won't be standing on any podiums in my lifetime, but it was an accomplishment none the less). The experience was a lot of fun, and I'm looking forward to doing another one. Of course, now I have my sights set on the half marathon... but first things first, my legs need some major TLC!

A Run

Here's a breakdown of today's run...

1. Run five miles

2. Eat breakfast at East West Cafe

3. Run three miles

4. Assess that I am, indeed, still alive then sign up for a Fourth of July 10k

An Epiphany

I'm telling you, biking has become my new therapist. I was in a funk all day, and when Mike got home, I made a mad dash to get things situated so we could go on a ride together. The thoughts, frustrations, and confusions of the day swirled through my mind as the miles past beneath me. After racing up a couple of steep hills, my body sank into an exhausted sense of relaxation, and my mind became focused. "I'm living with a mindset of what- ifs, instead of the reality of what is." The words kept passing through my head, piercing my heart deeper each time. I'm my own worst enemy. I'm controlled by fears, and insecurities. What if I fail? What if this friendship hurts me in the end? What if they really don't like me? What if I'm making the wrong decision? Unfortunately, those what-ifs paralyze me into inaction, keep me from experiencing true friendship, rob me of the richness life has to offer. The road continued to pass underneath, as a sense of resolve and hope swelled within me. God isn't finished with me yet! These are old demons I've fought my entire life, but God has brought me so far these past few years, and I know He'll bring me further still. It's hard to despair because of where I am now when I look at where I was. He is able! The sun set in the sky, and it was time to pedal home. I wonder what new discoveries lie ahead the next time I hit the road on two wheels!

Back In The Saddle... Or Running Shoes

Today, I ran one mile! It's been many weeks since I've gone for a run. My back held up pretty well, so I think I'm confident enough to start back up working towards my half-marathon goal. I must confess, however, that while I was running I was lusting after a bike ride (I know, I know, I was unfaithful!) Running is a challenge for me. I'm not good at it, so I really have to work at it to reach my goals. It takes a great deal of determination for me to lace up my running shoes and hit the road, but there is great reward in conquering each new mile. Running is good for me, if not for my body, then for the building of my mind and of my character. It's like a close friend, not the one you call up for a laugh or for a fun time; but the one who accepts you as you are, and challenges you to be even more.

Soul Food

Yesterday, my wonderful husband watched the kids so I could go for a bike ride. I rode 15 miles, and conquered some pretty steep hills (one conquered me). It was absolutely wonderful. I love being out on the road thinking, singing, praying... it's soul soothing. It was so nice that I don't even mind the protest cries of my leg muscles this morning!

I Love My Bike

Today, Mike and I went on a 20 mile bike ride! It was so much fun. Just he and I, no kids, for two and a half hours. I'm pretty tired now, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I think we could bump it up to 25 miles next weekend. I got a little light headed near the end of the ride, but it wasn't anything a shot of chocolate milk from Whole Foods couldn't fix. Next time, I'll come better prepared though with some on the go carbs.

Back

It's been quite a while since I hurt my back, and things are still not quite back to normal. Running is still a bit difficult, but I'm hoping to ease back into it soon. I have been riding my bike quite a bit though. Today, I went 12 miles! I'm thinking I could get into this, I'm enjoying it so much. Those 50 mile/100 mile distance rides actually sound kind of fun. Let's see if I can do a 20 miler first though, and move on from there.

Apparently My Back Needs More Loving Care

My lower back went out... again! I'm going on day four, and thought it would be feeling better by now, but apparently not! Every time this happens, I promise myself that I'm going to begin a rigorous stretching and pilates routine that will continue until the day I die, but obviously that has not happened. I don't know why it's such a chore for me to do things that support my body, but if I'm going to continue running, I need to muster up some self discipline. I get so frustrated when my body fails me, but I'm starting to realize that the real problem is that I'm failing my body!

Recipe For A Run

1. Warm up with a jog to the bank.

2. Deposit checks.

3. Run to East West Cafe for some yummy breakfast fare.

4. Walk across the street to Howarth Park for some fun with ponies, trains, carousels and climbing walls.

5. Run through the park, stopping, of course, to throw rocks in the stream.

6. Resume running for three more miles, until legs give out.

7. Stop at neighborhood park until legs have regained ability to function.

8. Enjoy a leisurely stroll back home.

Add a dash of warm sunshine, a pinch of quality time with my hubby and kids and you have the recipe for a very awesome run!

To Health

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines health as "the condition of being sound in body, mind, or spirit." I whole-heartedly agree, save for one minor detail. In my view of things, that little "or" needs to be changed to an "and". My body, mind and spirit are not separate entities, rather they work in unison to give me an overall sense of health and well-being. When one suffers, the others tend to suffer as well. When one aspect of my being is thriving, the others tend to benefit also. I was reminded of this on Friday.

I have been suffering from dizzy spells for eight years. Sometimes they impact my daily life, other times they don't bother me at all. For the past few months, the episodes have increased in severity to the point that I had to give up driving. In frustration, I decided to bring it up to my doctor again, although I feared the outcome (I'm usually dismissed and sent away with a prescription for an antidepressant). To my surprise and relief, this doctor actually listened to me and sent me to a neurologist.

My appointment with the neurologist followed more closely with the pattern of the past eight years, in other words, I left his office with a prescription for an antidepressant. Devastated and frustrated after the appointment, I sat in the car and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. That evening, I convinced myself that I should just take the medication. I was all set to do just that, but kept feeling a strong impression to wait until the following evening to take the first dose. The next morning, I woke up early, took advantage of the quiet, and had a nice long conversation with God. By the time my family was awake, I was convinced that this medication was not the answer for me. My frustration with the doctor had subsided (I was even thankful that he reminded me of the care my mind needs), and I could see more clearly what I needed to do.

While I believe that the dizziness I have been experiencing comes from some manner of physical assault on my body, I can no longer deny the fact that my mental health plays a role. My inability to handle stress and anxiety is not helping my body heal and recover from whatever it is that is ailing me. I have been so focused on healing my physical being that I have neglected to nurture my mental health, and at times, my spiritual health. My body, mind and spirit work as a team, and I must nurture each player on the team with equal attention and care. I'm still on the journey, but the way seems clearer.

"Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths;

guide me in your truth and teach me,

for you are God my Savior,

and my hope is in you all day long."

Psalm 25:5

My Bike

After years of wanting, but not obtaining... I finally got a bike! It's a pretty little blue thing that gets the job done, and is comfortable to ride, so I'm very happy with it. The weather, and our family schedule haven't been cooperating since I got it, but today I was finally able to take it for a spin around the block. I always feel like a kid when I ride a bike. There's something magical about cruising down a hill, wind rushing across my face. I love the feelings of peace and freedom it evokes. I've lived without a bike for many years, and survived, but I'm sure thankful to have one once again.

Here A Run, There A Run, Everywhere A Run Run

Last Sunday, I ran six miles... woo hoo! Then I got sick... blah! Yesterday, I ran four miles and barely made it back home... boo! Today, I'm going to go for a walk... yeah! In the past, I would have been tempted to view the past few days as a major failure, give up, and enjoy the next few months sitting on my ample behind. Not this time though! This time I gave a goal. And this time I'm realizing that the path towards any goal can be a bumpy one. There are peaks and valleys, confusing detours, and flaggers in the middle of the road holding up stop signs. In the end, however, it doesn't matter how many challenges I face as I move towards my goal, the point is to keep moving.

His Strength

"I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted."
(Psalm 77: 1-2)

It's been almost three years since I gave birth to my little boy, Ethan. About a month after his birth, my body began to fall apart. At my worst, I was confined to my bed and I found it a chore to make it to the bathroom. My meals were brought to me and I often had to rely on others to hand me my baby so that I could feed him. It didn't take long before the physical set backs sent me to a very dark emotional place. I cried out to God to see me, to hear me, to heal me.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
(2 Corinthians 12:9)

I still remember the first morning I was able to get out of bed, walk down stairs and make my own breakfast. It brings tears to my eyes to remember how important that moment was to me. In such a humble, simple act I was able to experience heart felt victory. I may have been weak, but God's grace was sufficient to accomplish something that carried so much meaning for me.

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
(Isaiah 40:31)

Today I ran five miles. It's just a number, I know. But to me, it means so much. To say I've struggled the past few years would be an understatement. I've fought, clawed, cried, screamed and begged to be released from the prison I felt my body had become. There were definitely days when I despaired, but I always had hope. I had hope in the Lord and He renewed my strength. It has taken time, and effort, and patience, and surrender. It has required me to set realistic goals, and change course when my plans were not working. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today I soared on wings like eagles, and it was beautiful.

Reflecting

On a random day eight years ago, I found myself on a sandy beach in Guam determined to walk the length of the shore (like I'd done so many times before). I walked for about five minutes then sank into the sand, defeated. A few weeks prior to this I had had a freak accident and my body was still feeling the odd effects of receiving an unintended surge of electricity from an inappropriately positioned electrical outlet. That day on the beach was emotionally devastating, my body was letting me down and I couldn't do anything about it. In the years since, I have had many more disappointments with a few successes sprinkled in. I've fought and pushed and cried and given up then, in hope, pursued my goals once again. Hope is such a miraculous thing. With all the countless attempts I've made these past eight years to be healthy and whole and healed, all the failed attempts, there's sometimes a temptation to just give in. A temptation to stop trying, to accept my lot in life and wish for nothing more. But stronger than the temptation to give in is the hope in what could be if I would only give it one more try. Yes, I've tried this running thing before, and have quit each time before I really had a chance to start. Bad knee, exhaustion, depression, the reasons were ample enough to keep me off my feet for a long time. But then there was always that other thing, that spark prompting me to give it one more chance. There was hope. I praise God for hope.

On a random day in January, I laced up my running shoes and boldly proclaimed to my husband that I wanted to run three miles without stopping. A tall order seeing as how I've never done this before. Mile one, not so bad. Mile two, I started to question my sanity. Mile three, is sort of a blur. Reaching the three mile mark, was wonderful! Eight years ago I couldn't have imagined being able to walk, let alone run, three miles. Today, I did it! Hope is a beautiful thing.

Truthfully, I'm Shocked!

Today I ran four miles. I ran for two, took a break, and ran two more. This was a HUGE feat for me. I usually have to take long walk breaks during my runs, but I actually was able to maintain pace for each two mile block. I couldn't have done this a week ago, but a couple of things really sank in for me this week, and it has made all the difference. First, I started doing "The Firm" workout again, and it has made all the difference. I've been so frustrated with the progress (or lack there of) in my running, until I finally realized that strengthening my core and my back is a huge factor in meeting my running goals. The past couple of weeks, I've also come to realize how vital it is to give my body quality rest. I'm finding it almost as important as the time I put into working out. I used to be so hard on myself when I felt tired, pushing myself beyond my limits and not listening to the messages my body was giving me. I paid dearly each time I didn't respect my body's need for rest. Now, I give myself a day or two off from activity when necessary and take naps when the need arises. I'm learning little by little to push my body when need be, but to back off when it lets me know it has had enough. My mind and body are finally beginning to work as a team, and it sure feels good.

So...

So... I took a little hiatus from my exercise routine. I overdid one day, many months back, and paid for it dearly. There's something to be said for taking things slow and steady. Of course, once I started feeling better we ended up taking a trip to Guam (lets just say the eating atmosphere there isn't conducive to weight management). And, of course, the holidays rolled around just in time to keep me on my my binge eating, sugar happy, anti-exercise regiment.

Thankfully, however, my dear friend Mary Heather challenged me to run a half-marathon with her this coming fall. It was just the challenge I needed to get me motivated, even exited, about getting my physical self back into shape.

Getting back into shape starts with a first step, of course, and today I made mine. I went for a two hour hike in Anadel with a friend of mine, and it was wonderful. The fog was in abundance and made the entire venture a romantic trek across meandering trails. And, the conversation was not lacking, which always makes exercise less painful.

It was a great beginning to what I hope will be a challenging and rewarding experience.