His Strength

"I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted."
(Psalm 77: 1-2)

It's been almost three years since I gave birth to my little boy, Ethan. About a month after his birth, my body began to fall apart. At my worst, I was confined to my bed and I found it a chore to make it to the bathroom. My meals were brought to me and I often had to rely on others to hand me my baby so that I could feed him. It didn't take long before the physical set backs sent me to a very dark emotional place. I cried out to God to see me, to hear me, to heal me.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
(2 Corinthians 12:9)

I still remember the first morning I was able to get out of bed, walk down stairs and make my own breakfast. It brings tears to my eyes to remember how important that moment was to me. In such a humble, simple act I was able to experience heart felt victory. I may have been weak, but God's grace was sufficient to accomplish something that carried so much meaning for me.

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
(Isaiah 40:31)

Today I ran five miles. It's just a number, I know. But to me, it means so much. To say I've struggled the past few years would be an understatement. I've fought, clawed, cried, screamed and begged to be released from the prison I felt my body had become. There were definitely days when I despaired, but I always had hope. I had hope in the Lord and He renewed my strength. It has taken time, and effort, and patience, and surrender. It has required me to set realistic goals, and change course when my plans were not working. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today I soared on wings like eagles, and it was beautiful.

Reflecting

On a random day eight years ago, I found myself on a sandy beach in Guam determined to walk the length of the shore (like I'd done so many times before). I walked for about five minutes then sank into the sand, defeated. A few weeks prior to this I had had a freak accident and my body was still feeling the odd effects of receiving an unintended surge of electricity from an inappropriately positioned electrical outlet. That day on the beach was emotionally devastating, my body was letting me down and I couldn't do anything about it. In the years since, I have had many more disappointments with a few successes sprinkled in. I've fought and pushed and cried and given up then, in hope, pursued my goals once again. Hope is such a miraculous thing. With all the countless attempts I've made these past eight years to be healthy and whole and healed, all the failed attempts, there's sometimes a temptation to just give in. A temptation to stop trying, to accept my lot in life and wish for nothing more. But stronger than the temptation to give in is the hope in what could be if I would only give it one more try. Yes, I've tried this running thing before, and have quit each time before I really had a chance to start. Bad knee, exhaustion, depression, the reasons were ample enough to keep me off my feet for a long time. But then there was always that other thing, that spark prompting me to give it one more chance. There was hope. I praise God for hope.

On a random day in January, I laced up my running shoes and boldly proclaimed to my husband that I wanted to run three miles without stopping. A tall order seeing as how I've never done this before. Mile one, not so bad. Mile two, I started to question my sanity. Mile three, is sort of a blur. Reaching the three mile mark, was wonderful! Eight years ago I couldn't have imagined being able to walk, let alone run, three miles. Today, I did it! Hope is a beautiful thing.

Truthfully, I'm Shocked!

Today I ran four miles. I ran for two, took a break, and ran two more. This was a HUGE feat for me. I usually have to take long walk breaks during my runs, but I actually was able to maintain pace for each two mile block. I couldn't have done this a week ago, but a couple of things really sank in for me this week, and it has made all the difference. First, I started doing "The Firm" workout again, and it has made all the difference. I've been so frustrated with the progress (or lack there of) in my running, until I finally realized that strengthening my core and my back is a huge factor in meeting my running goals. The past couple of weeks, I've also come to realize how vital it is to give my body quality rest. I'm finding it almost as important as the time I put into working out. I used to be so hard on myself when I felt tired, pushing myself beyond my limits and not listening to the messages my body was giving me. I paid dearly each time I didn't respect my body's need for rest. Now, I give myself a day or two off from activity when necessary and take naps when the need arises. I'm learning little by little to push my body when need be, but to back off when it lets me know it has had enough. My mind and body are finally beginning to work as a team, and it sure feels good.

So...

So... I took a little hiatus from my exercise routine. I overdid one day, many months back, and paid for it dearly. There's something to be said for taking things slow and steady. Of course, once I started feeling better we ended up taking a trip to Guam (lets just say the eating atmosphere there isn't conducive to weight management). And, of course, the holidays rolled around just in time to keep me on my my binge eating, sugar happy, anti-exercise regiment.

Thankfully, however, my dear friend Mary Heather challenged me to run a half-marathon with her this coming fall. It was just the challenge I needed to get me motivated, even exited, about getting my physical self back into shape.

Getting back into shape starts with a first step, of course, and today I made mine. I went for a two hour hike in Anadel with a friend of mine, and it was wonderful. The fog was in abundance and made the entire venture a romantic trek across meandering trails. And, the conversation was not lacking, which always makes exercise less painful.

It was a great beginning to what I hope will be a challenging and rewarding experience.